Requiem.

that I might catch with rapturous thrill
the words that you let fall
and that today I barely still
hold on to all that I recall.

paradox of sacrifice..
you sacrifice your life for someone who cares for you
and they are going to be consumed by the grief of losing you
only when you are willing to give up your life
for someone who doesn't give a damn about you
who will be happy about their gain and not care about your loss
will it truly embody the meaning of sacrifice.
but hardly any of such are worth the while isn't it?

you are going to owe me, senorita
but you won't know it.
because I can't be bothered to watch you dispense with the customary gratitude and emotions that you would grant any other person who would do this for you.
because no any other person would be willing to do this for you.
so all that you feel means nothing, only that you feel you owe me.
rather than watch you having to struggle to come up with the right things to say or do
because I hardly matter to you
I'd prefer just knowing you'll be happy, relieved, safe.
that, at least, won't be fake.

I just want things to be natural.
I'm not going to leave anything behind when I leave.
but I can try to make things the way they are s'posed to be
and know the best thing I can do to my world
is not to ruin or wreck it.
and everybody is just going to have to be happy with this parting gift of mine.

strange though ain't it?
my 10 days in hell are going to bring me a day in heaven
whereby its for someone else
someone who wouldn't know or care about the 10 days in hell.
and that somehow still constitutes as heaven.
I'm a sucker for suffering ain't I.