Close shave

and I don't even get to catch my breath.
next tues and off again.
been struggling to keep many emotions in check.
I dunno..
any way I see it, its still not looking good.

was s'posed to spend some time keeping up appearances
go out, laugh, joke, maintain social semblance.
I found myself liking it and wishing very much it were real.
but life doesn't work that way.

I forgive you.
it'll show.
these feelings will keep coming back
but I'll handle them.
you don't deserve this from a dying man.

its been nearly 46 hours and sahtcom 3 hasn't found anything
this is fucked up.
they weren't s'posed to do that.
I'm running out of tricks here.

remember "I'm glad it wasn't me"?
I have a feeling eventually I'll either be feeling that
or I'll make someone feel that.

this is fucked up.