Close shave

and I don't even get to catch my breath.
next tues and off again.
been struggling to keep many emotions in check.
I dunno..
any way I see it, its still not looking good.

was s'posed to spend some time keeping up appearances
go out, laugh, joke, maintain social semblance.
I found myself liking it and wishing very much it were real.
but life doesn't work that way.

I forgive you.
it'll show.
these feelings will keep coming back
but I'll handle them.
you don't deserve this from a dying man.

its been nearly 46 hours and sahtcom 3 hasn't found anything
this is fucked up.
they weren't s'posed to do that.
I'm running out of tricks here.

remember "I'm glad it wasn't me"?
I have a feeling eventually I'll either be feeling that
or I'll make someone feel that.

this is fucked up.

This is why I don't like stars

Depending on where I am, the stars can actually be very discernible here. Staring at them makes me feel very melancholic, for little more reason than the fact that someone I know likes them.

Stars have always brought a sense of negativity to me because they can exist for a very long time, billions of years. But eventually even stars burn out. They are at the extreme end of the spectrum, as close to eternity, to infinity, to forever, as anything ever can be. But they also cease to be in the end. Nothing lasts incessantly. In fact, when you are seeing the glow of a star, the distance the light has to travel might be so long that the star is, in fact, already dead and you are just looking at the illumination of a farewell that was sent to the far-flung reaches.

In this universe, where even stars burn out, nothing remains forever. If even vast, ancient constellations fail to make an everlasting mark in this universe, what more can a mere human do?

Very pessimistic of me I know.

This is a city of facades. Much more so than back home. Inviolable courtesy is met with very subtle signs of derision from everyone, hell who do you think doesn't know how to suck up to people here? People back home at least gives some recognition- "he's a nice guy"- and reacts more warmly, even if they mostly still don't truly appreciate such virtues anyway. People here probably start scheming on how to use you even before thinking you're stupid for being nice. Impeccable breeding, immaculate manners, exquisite taste, honourable principles, elegant grace, none of this is of any concern to the common rogue, at least none that I have met. I'm very glad nobody my superior is my place. They would despair. As it is, I never had much of those commendable qualities I mentioned anyway, and guided with my sense of perception, I more or less still manage to thread my way about. I'm just filled with a huge sense of loneliness.

Because my loyalty is seldom towards causes or services. Its mostly to people, and I haven't really as yet found anyone worthy to trust, much less give allegiance to. And this just makes me feel very weary and uncertain of my purpose in this sprawling city. Its possibly the biggest thing that makes me homesick. How these few days have been like, if anybody's actually reading this, you wouldn't want to know. As always, I've survived through them, and that's it.

If you are here wondering about the letter...

from the old blog that is.
well you should have noticed that the style of writing
makes it very unlikely to be mine.
I'm not a christian for starters
and the mention of God in that letter is quite numerous.

when jizong first came to me
with the original letter he had found
I was very touched when I read it.
it was written so well
and so many things coincided with what I felt.
yet when he asked me to edit the letter to suit his circumstance
so he could leave it for his loved one
I was not very keen on the idea.
granted that he's the only one
from all who has been helping me
that has his own possibly fatal commitments
but to make use of others' words
other people's feelings at that time
to project your own meaning to the ones you loved
seems a bit hollow isn't it?

perhaps the eloquence and intensity of the letter won me over
or perhaps I felt I should do one last thing for an old pal
before I lose the chance.
I haven't mentioned the others for many months
though I know it as clearly even now
that had it been landin or shen in my position
they'd make a whole hullabaloo
but leave in a grand, peaceful manner so nobody would be worried
ro wouldn't say a damn thing and leave without anybody knowing
riz would cry her eyes out most likely.
and jz.. will be like me.
I miss the old guys to bits
but most of them are not my companions or confederates now.
and that can't be helped.

I put the letter I edited for him up there
without editing it for myself.
as a sign that I would never be like this
I'm not so eloquent.
not so sure of how to express what I feel.
if I had found the letter, I would have done nothing with it.
I never put a name to it, because I don't complicate things.
there are few doubts I give towards such.
if you're sure you're the one, you're the one.
anyway, that's that.

if while I am gone and you somehow feel like
knowing more about me
that's what these chronicles are for I guess.
isn't much, I deleted lotsa older stuff before.
and they don't say much either, but they're here.
just do me a favour, and read in chronological order
starting from the earliest.
they're chronicles after all.
things are still kept more or less vague here
the best way to make sure no one gets into trouble over me
is for them to say the truth when questioned by anyone.
that they know nothing about me, nothing that nobody else does.
I dunno if curiosity killed the cat
but I do know the same curiosity drives people who are more formidable than you
who have the ability and desire to do more with this curiosity.
I'm pretty sure nobody wants to play their own version of a double game because of me ain't it.
well that's all, and I'm off.

And this is how it all begins..

preparations for some china asean conference held things up
now that it has begun
and everybody from this part of the globe is focusing on guangxi
things will finally progress.
I'm getting jittery now all of a sudden.
so many things that I am unsure of
keeps nagging at the back of my head
but its also exciting in a way
after all I've never been there, it'll be a new experience
the wanderer in me approves.

I'm not sneaking away
but I don't intend to announce my departure specifically.
by the time people read or understand all this
I'd most probably be gone already.
I'm not a swaggering knight this time, whatever that really meant.
I'm no hero, striding all alone into the sunset to fight for all.
I'm just trying to guarantee my survival
and perhaps to help end something as a result.
granted, it would be beneficial to quite a lot of people
but I'm mainly just playing my double game.
in other words, it shouldn't be a big deal to anyone but me.
nobody can do much at this point of time anyway
and I don't want anybody impeding my setting off.

sorted out many things
my collection of memorabilia isn't extensive
but I left something for most people I know.
and to a select few,
words of information regarding what happened.
certain last words have been stored as well.
practically speaking, this can be regarded as a kind of rare opportunity as well after all.
nobody really listens to you when you're well and alive.
they'll pay more heed when you speak from the grave.
all of these have been arranged to be given out
in the event of my demise.
if the true extent of my abilities surpasses my confidence in them and I turn out to be unscathed by the end of this saga.
nothing will be distributed,
and I will personally destroy all that I have written.
I'd live to say the words myself some day after all.

sigh.. I fervently hope only I will be affected.
let nobody else be a casualty of this unfair horror.
please.

Settling almost into a carefree life for now.
calm before a storm as they say.
just been waiting for the sign to leave.
after that things will probably unfold at top speed.
if I manage to get through everything
I'd probably be back here by christmas.
huh cheery positive thinking
since when have I started having it *snorts*
not like christmas has ever been particularly exciting or enjoyable in any sense either way.

I don't think I intend to tell rachel when I'm leaving.
partly because its never in my nature to want to leave with a procession or with much ado.
not the mark of a wanderer.
I don't particularly wish to be emotional that day either.
but the main thing is a rather bad thing about me.
I'm not very gracious.
I have no idea who she's gonna ask along.
if its the class, I'd bet half of them wouldn't give two hoots.
not their fault, I don't deserve so much concern anyway.
but I don't want to have people there
and to see into their faces
to know they don't really give a damn
it'll sting a bit and I'd rather not have that
right on the day I leave to face death.
like I said, not their fault.
perhaps mine for always being able to know.
but its not like I can help it.

have got a lot of sudden wishes and plans
from little ones like getting new shoes
to wanting to embark on a gargantuan task
of clearing up my room and making it look nicer.
*shrugs* on the side of practicality
if I make it back, I think I'd forget all about wanting it.
but ah.. life's a bitch.

Requiem.

that I might catch with rapturous thrill
the words that you let fall
and that today I barely still
hold on to all that I recall.

paradox of sacrifice..
you sacrifice your life for someone who cares for you
and they are going to be consumed by the grief of losing you
only when you are willing to give up your life
for someone who doesn't give a damn about you
who will be happy about their gain and not care about your loss
will it truly embody the meaning of sacrifice.
but hardly any of such are worth the while isn't it?

you are going to owe me, senorita
but you won't know it.
because I can't be bothered to watch you dispense with the customary gratitude and emotions that you would grant any other person who would do this for you.
because no any other person would be willing to do this for you.
so all that you feel means nothing, only that you feel you owe me.
rather than watch you having to struggle to come up with the right things to say or do
because I hardly matter to you
I'd prefer just knowing you'll be happy, relieved, safe.
that, at least, won't be fake.

I just want things to be natural.
I'm not going to leave anything behind when I leave.
but I can try to make things the way they are s'posed to be
and know the best thing I can do to my world
is not to ruin or wreck it.
and everybody is just going to have to be happy with this parting gift of mine.

strange though ain't it?
my 10 days in hell are going to bring me a day in heaven
whereby its for someone else
someone who wouldn't know or care about the 10 days in hell.
and that somehow still constitutes as heaven.
I'm a sucker for suffering ain't I.