This I promise you.

Deleted some stuff, and its been quite a while since I've been here.
Started this place to record the reality that I keep having to pretend isn't around when I'm with people who aren't involved.
But I myself seemed to believing my own act.
I start not wanting to acknowledge reality.
And I can't afford to do that can I.

I dunno where this is going.
Oh boy how I wish I have a direction I can surely believe in.
I can't lose this.

I don't even know where to vent. How to vent. How long I will be venting.
This anger is stifling.
And I continue joking, smiling, going to school.
I tell myself because its what I'm fighting for.
I can't lose this, or else I lose the purpose in my heart that made me decide to stand up and do something.
I can't lose this life that I want to live.
But sometimes, I have my doubts.

And I dunno who to turn to, who would really care and not get hurt by my darkness.
And is even willing to listen, to help.
Its not possible.
How to explain this loneliness?
How to face it?
He was right. Physical loneliness is nothing.
You can wander all you want when in your mind, you know what people you hold dear will say.
What they can do to make you feel better.
I had never experienced mental loneliness.
I dunno how deep it strikes.
How far it goes.
Or how it will end.

And I am so scared. So sad. So lonely.
But I'll keep to it. For everyone I live for.
Even if I don't exist in your world now.
I promise.