Oh spit.

it was very stupid of me to sms clarissa that
when I had to off my phone after that.
now I'm feeling all guilty about it.
but at least that's settled and I won't have to chain my mind to her once every day.

I keep my word upon my honour.
but I don't see the honour in being made to sms someone once a day when the person in question treats you like you don't exist in real life, especially when I dunno why,
and when I am about to die.

but I should knock her head hard.
after 5 months of flickering in and out of my reality
for gawdknows what reason,
being totally unnatural,
when she has completely degenerated the relationship into something that can't even be considered an acquaintance for crying out loud,
she thinks if I'm about to die, I'd want to announce my s'posed imminent death to her of all people?
its my fault for scaring her perhaps, but still..
if that was ever my intention in an sms,
it'll at least be to the people who are in this with me.

I know how to guarentee my survival as much as I can, and the presence of mind to keep to it.
otherwise, dammit girl
you would have caused my death a long time ago.
even in this blog which supposedly no one sees
I will not rant about someone.
but.. perkele.

at least things are progressing moderately well with the new discovery.
it was very comforting to know I did it on my own
for myself, by myself.
I should have seen it earlier
but then again, probably not.
I don't have the luxury of pondering that right now anyway.

its time to enter a state of complete focus once again.