thinking of deleting yesterday's post.
wasn't really angry at her anyway
was mostly directed at her because there so many things that I can't blame anyone for at the moment.
and that's plain unreasonable

the feeling of being torn between fear and guilt.
the ultimate torture of being on a chessboard with death.
no matter what, even if you know your place is rightfully there,
you don't want to die.
but you feel just as bad if you're inflicted with survivor's guilt.
because no matter of what moral caliber you are
its a terrible thing to live and know that someone else is gone in your place
because no matter what you do
a single thought keeps surfacing in your head:

I'm glad it wasn't me.

you're horrified, you're grieved, you feel bad.
but you will definitely also feel relieved.
I'm so so glad it wasn't me.

and that eats into you.
what do you do?
the terror of making a choice that strikes you down either way.
you choose between a knife that has a blade and one that doesn't to stick into you.
and they hurt just the same.

the thing is the pain doesn't last forever if you're dead.
...yes?