the aftermath of the F1 race has been troubling
the efficiency at how everything is being cleared up was totally underestimated by all of us.
when you have very limited resources,
and far less than your opponents,
superior planning can only get you so far
counting on a bit of luck is only inevitable
and it seems that's juz not going our way.

getting an incessant need to strain some muscles
in order to be in optimum physical condition
for kali and eskrima training.
and will have to keep a look out for twin blades

still mulling over the letter jizong made me read last night.
it is very eloquently written
makes me question a lot of ethics, morals, love
over this issue that has plagued me for so long.
not feeling very comfortable about using it
but that's his idea
I might as well help him out.

arena's set.

time to get fireproof.
I dun see how I can get scared about any devil or demon or whatever that might be summoned out.
chances are pretty big on me going to hell anyway
how I do so duzzan seem to matter very much.
pfeh right, false bravado on a blog nobody but me reads.
awesome.

finally mastered the prototype weapon
or at least, learnt to wield it competently
think they're really gonna call it the claw.
I dislike it, its extremely inelegant.
granted that my wrists were born naturally weaker and that counters it
but I still think its not much of a trump card.

these days have been hectic
especially after promos.
the saddening thing is during the times when I'm free
nobody seems to be there to spend it with me.
ended up with having lotsa alone time.
doing a lot of thinking
which might or might not help with anything.

moloch fire eh? well.. we'll see.

No game of chess can be won without pawns, and this is proving to be a very long game.

of course, apart from fearing that potential allies
who share these mutual opponents with me
will be few and hard to find in the vast orient nation
abound with opportunities and dangers alike,
travelling to china concerns me less than my own precarious position as a pawn
in what is increasingly unveiling as some sort of social espionage.
I sense my usefulness is ending,
and that does not bode well for someone who intends to see through this saga alive.

still it sure gets scary.
recent murders all involve prc chinese
the melanine fiasco with the milk and dairy products.
from china.
as if things aren't mixed up enough with the russkiyes..
suzhou and guangzhou..
a fair bit of apprehension looms over this course of action..

thinking of deleting yesterday's post.
wasn't really angry at her anyway
was mostly directed at her because there so many things that I can't blame anyone for at the moment.
and that's plain unreasonable

the feeling of being torn between fear and guilt.
the ultimate torture of being on a chessboard with death.
no matter what, even if you know your place is rightfully there,
you don't want to die.
but you feel just as bad if you're inflicted with survivor's guilt.
because no matter of what moral caliber you are
its a terrible thing to live and know that someone else is gone in your place
because no matter what you do
a single thought keeps surfacing in your head:

I'm glad it wasn't me.

you're horrified, you're grieved, you feel bad.
but you will definitely also feel relieved.
I'm so so glad it wasn't me.

and that eats into you.
what do you do?
the terror of making a choice that strikes you down either way.
you choose between a knife that has a blade and one that doesn't to stick into you.
and they hurt just the same.

the thing is the pain doesn't last forever if you're dead.
...yes?

Oh spit.

it was very stupid of me to sms clarissa that
when I had to off my phone after that.
now I'm feeling all guilty about it.
but at least that's settled and I won't have to chain my mind to her once every day.

I keep my word upon my honour.
but I don't see the honour in being made to sms someone once a day when the person in question treats you like you don't exist in real life, especially when I dunno why,
and when I am about to die.

but I should knock her head hard.
after 5 months of flickering in and out of my reality
for gawdknows what reason,
being totally unnatural,
when she has completely degenerated the relationship into something that can't even be considered an acquaintance for crying out loud,
she thinks if I'm about to die, I'd want to announce my s'posed imminent death to her of all people?
its my fault for scaring her perhaps, but still..
if that was ever my intention in an sms,
it'll at least be to the people who are in this with me.

I know how to guarentee my survival as much as I can, and the presence of mind to keep to it.
otherwise, dammit girl
you would have caused my death a long time ago.
even in this blog which supposedly no one sees
I will not rant about someone.
but.. perkele.

at least things are progressing moderately well with the new discovery.
it was very comforting to know I did it on my own
for myself, by myself.
I should have seen it earlier
but then again, probably not.
I don't have the luxury of pondering that right now anyway.

its time to enter a state of complete focus once again.

no matter what I say, I don't think I can bear to watch these idiots fend for themselves.
maybe its why I'm so angry.
buncha blockheads won't even turn up for my funeral if I go down.
and rather than look out for my own ass, I'm looking out for theirs?
but I'm not a protector.
I'm lousy at saving people.
I dunno..

Daniel's story is totally stupid, there's no way things can turn out anywhere like that for this buncha kids in 10 years time.
perhaps I'll never know
or perhaps I grasp how twisted reality can get when passing through the winds of time better than he does.
but alright granted, its kinda funny.
does make me think though
coz I never really thought about 10 years later.
I mightn't make it past 10 hours later dammit..

for some reason, I keep thinking I'll have a kid by then and I'll never see the mother again.
it'll be a dream to be outta combat
I'll never join the army.

but I have no idea what I'll be.
that is disturbing..
I just want to be free from all this.

This I promise you.

Deleted some stuff, and its been quite a while since I've been here.
Started this place to record the reality that I keep having to pretend isn't around when I'm with people who aren't involved.
But I myself seemed to believing my own act.
I start not wanting to acknowledge reality.
And I can't afford to do that can I.

I dunno where this is going.
Oh boy how I wish I have a direction I can surely believe in.
I can't lose this.

I don't even know where to vent. How to vent. How long I will be venting.
This anger is stifling.
And I continue joking, smiling, going to school.
I tell myself because its what I'm fighting for.
I can't lose this, or else I lose the purpose in my heart that made me decide to stand up and do something.
I can't lose this life that I want to live.
But sometimes, I have my doubts.

And I dunno who to turn to, who would really care and not get hurt by my darkness.
And is even willing to listen, to help.
Its not possible.
How to explain this loneliness?
How to face it?
He was right. Physical loneliness is nothing.
You can wander all you want when in your mind, you know what people you hold dear will say.
What they can do to make you feel better.
I had never experienced mental loneliness.
I dunno how deep it strikes.
How far it goes.
Or how it will end.

And I am so scared. So sad. So lonely.
But I'll keep to it. For everyone I live for.
Even if I don't exist in your world now.
I promise.